Greg Dixon’s Another Kind Of Politics: NZ First demands “safe spaces for real men”

Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly, mostly satirical column on politics that appears on listener.co.nz.

New Zealand First is planning a Member’s Bill to ensure that “real men” have safe spaces away from “arrogant wokester losers”.

NZ First leader Winston Peters said the Safety In Sheds (Definition of Real Men) Amendment Bill will provide clarity and consistency in New Zealand law by defining a real man as “an adult human biological male who knows better than everyone else”.

A leaked draft of the proposed law shows it would make it mandatory in future to provide real men with a place or environment in which they can feel confident that they are always right and will not be exposed to criticism, new ideas or any other emotional harm from others, including those defined in the bill as “people who nag”, which is thought to mean women.

“This is not about being anti-anyone or anti-anything,” Peters said. “This is about ensuring we as a country focus on the facts of biology and protect real men from having to listen to views they don’t agree with or having to cope with people who don’t look or sound like them.

“New Zealand First is the only party that campaigned on keeping men out of the kitchen and keeping men out of cleaning bathrooms and toilets, and we have received two petitions this term calling for protecting the term ‘real men’ in legislation.

“We were told at the time that we were ‘going down a rabbit hole’ and ‘on another planet’. But if you look at recent events, both internationally and in New Zealand, the pendulum is swinging back towards common sense and is proving us right.

“This bill will ensure our country moves away from the woke ideology that has crept in over the last few years, undermining the protection, progression, and safety of real men.”

Asked to define a “real man,” Peters said that although this was not an exhaustive list, it was someone who owned lots of power tools, drove a Ford Ranger, wore a replica All Blacks jersey on game days, ate mainly meat, believed New Zealand comedy died with Billy T James and Fred Dagg, owned a large barbecue and even larger TV, loved fishing like it was a son, had subscribed to Sky Sport for decades, conversed in a series of grunts, believed Lynx Africa was an aphrodisiac, listened only to Accadacca, Chisel, Zep and Sabbath because modern music was rubbish, wasn’t afraid to scratch himself in public, owned gumboots and a Swannie, practised man-splaying and mansplaining, and had a “girlie calendar” on the wall in his shed.