Greg Dixon’s Another kind of politics: The most important election in history, No. 60

Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly column that appears on listener.co.nz on Friday mornings. If you enjoy a “serious laugh” - and complaining about politics and politicians - you’ll enjoy reading Greg’s latest grievances.

Who is orange, has an enormous ego, two ex-wives and hides his baldness with an elaborate arrangement that in no way hides his baldness?

The answer is Hulk Hogan. Though any confusion between the Hulkster and Donald-Trump-the-Huckster is forgivable when they appear in the same room, which they did at the Huckster’s bells ’n’ whistles ’n’ racism rally at New York’s Madison Square Garden.

Obviously, there can be no confusion about the more important matter of which of them could be the President of the United States of America again by this time next week. That would be the one who is the twice impeached, convicted felon, not the one who once claimed to have a 10-inch penis, but later admitted in court he didn’t.

Unfortunately for star spotters, Hogan, who is now so ancient he struggled to perform his trademark shirt-ripping schtick, was about as good as it got celebrity-wise at Trump’s festival of hate, where the tone was set early by a no-name comic describing Puerto Rico as a floating island of garbage.

If the presidency was an office awarded to the candidate with the most celebs kissing their ass, Trump’s opponent Kamala Harris would have won the election months ago. At present, her count is some 54 celebrity endorsements, which run the gamut from Taylor Swift to some guy “famous” for playing Samwise Gamgee in The Lord of the Rings 25 years ago. Despite his butt’s size, which photographic evidence suggests is enormous, the Huckster really has only the Hulkster, Kid Rock and Steven Seagal kissing his.

Fortunately for Trump, America’s presidency won’t be determined by such outrageous celebrity interference.

As it should be, it will be decided by the number of poorly educated Americans living in swing counties within swing states who can be persuaded to vote for Trump with lies, chicanery, fake news, social media memes from Putin’s troll factories, the repellent Elon Musk and the heart-felt endorsement from our own former prime minister, John Key.

Whether all that will be enough for Trump to win is anybody’s guess: the race is currently neck and neck. But isn’t it always tighter than a fish’s bum just before voting day?