Michele Hewitson: All rise for Judge Luxon and his tough-on-crime policies

When it comes to election-year tough-on-crime policies, the Nats are repeat offenders. It’s a bit boring.

This would have added a bit of zing: at the annual National Party conference last week, Opposition Leader Christopher Luxon announced he was appointing himself as a High Court judge and would bring back hanging. No, of course he didn’t. Nothing as exciting as that ever happens at party conferences.

He did announce that under his government judges would be prevented from dishing out discretionary discounts of more than 40% on criminal sentences. The Nats would also restrict the use of “cultural reports”, which take into account the cultural context for a crime, and which can also result in reduced time. Those Nats are tough guys. But while they want to look tough, they don’t want to come across as ogres who keep bad guys chained up in the cellar. So there was a sweetener: rehabilitation would be available to remand prisoners presentencing. As sweeteners go, this amounts to a grain of that awful artificial stuff that people who don’t use sugar stir into their instant coffee.

The Labour Party, of course, said all of this would cost gazillions. And where, by the way, were National’s costings? There weren’t any. So whether all of this would cost gazillions is unknown. But never mind. “We’re gonna make sure we can do everything as fast as we possibly can,” said the self-appointed, tough-talking Judge Luxon. “But it’s very difficult for us to predict all that out. But I’m telling you, we’re gonna take action.” Gotta love those “gonnas”.

Real judges up and down the country will no doubt be pulling their figurative horse-hair wigs out. Because, er, being a judge involves actual judging, which means making actual judgments, with learned discretion, within the current sentencing laws.

But the quote of the conference didn’t come from Judge Luxon, but his deputy, Nicola Willis: “We will stop the despair and start the great repair.” It has the dubious merit of at least rhyming, but the next Wordsworth Willis sure ain’t.

The startling revelation from the conference was that Luxon is a secret romantic. He took his wife on a romantic getaway weekend. Isn’t that sweet? He took her to … the conference. Amanda Luxon gave every appearance of being delighted, which is pretty much the full-time job of a political spouse. She got to spend a whole weekend with her husband “all in one place, even if it’s not at home”. What would you rather do? Spend a weekend at a dreary party conference in Wellington, or a getaway to a luxury lodge? You be the judge.

De plane! De plane! This was the catch cry of tiny Tattoo on the bonkers 1970s telly series Fantasy Island. There was always vast excitement whenever de plane arrived carrying honoured guests to the island. Luckily, de plane wasn’t an NZ Defence Force Boeing 757.

A backup 757 had to accompany the 757 carrying Chris Hipkins and the prime minister’s honoured guests on his first diplomatic visit to Beijing. The backup travelled as far as Manila in case the main plane broke down. It has happened before. In 2022, a Hercules designated to carry then-prime minister Jacinda Ardern back from Antarctica broke down. She had to hitch a ride in an Italian Hercules.