Worried about the themes in TV’s Adolescence? Here’s what you can do to help your son

Andrew Reiner, author of 2020′s Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity That Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resilience, visited New Zealand last year and spoke at six boys’ schools. (You can read about his visit and what he found here.) He says many people are talking about the disturbing elements of Adolescence but might be missing the bigger picture of what it says about boys’ wellbeing.

“What few people are discussing, and should, is the underlying premise and conceit of this show, which perpetuates the stereotype that all boys (and men) are predatory and violent. And this: that all boys drawn to the manosphere become unapologetically violent,” says Reiner. “Research shows that neither is true. As one Australian academic who studies extremism recently told me during research for my new book, ‘[These boys on the manosphere] are far more likely to hurt themselves than someone else.’

Adolescence, a four-episode series about a cherubic-looking 13-year-old boy accused of murder, has clocked up 66.3 million views. Netflix says this makes it the most watched limited series and the first show on a streaming platform to top the UK weekly TV audience viewing charts. Jamie Miller, the young boy accused of stabbing to death a classmate, did so ostensibly influenced by misogynist content from the online manosphere.

Reiner says he’s not insinuating that the manosphere doesn’t deserve scrutiny. “Not for one second. But I am insinuating that, increasingly, we are thinking about and portraying boys with vengeful, unfounded stereotypes that do far more damage than good. They push boys further and further into the dark alleyways of cyberspace where we keep insisting we don’t want them.”

In his 2024 article Why your son might be struggling to stay afloat — and how you can fix it, Reiner shared advice on how to help boys better develop resiliency and zero in on the one thing many need but lack — feelings of connection, of being in relationship, not just in a relationship.

Given the discussion around Adolescence, Reiner agreed to reprise those tips and hints here.

Too many boys (and men) lack what I call an “emotional safety net”. They don’t seek out the unconditional emotional support of close friends when they are struggling emotionally, because they don’t believe they have permission.

One way we can help boys feel they have a safety net is simply by reminding them, “I’m here if and when you want to talk,” when they are clearly upset. Modelling help-seeking for boys is also important. Just knowing they have permission to approach us with anything upsetting them is a gift many boys don’t have.

If your son or any boy comes to you and wants to talk, try hard to have that conversation then and there. If that isn’t possible, let him know when you can have the conversation he wants to have – and keep your word.